Budding
by Ryo0oki
Summary: Everyone's after poor Hiei- but do they have it all wrong? Yaoi, Het, but no real relationships. [COMPLETE]


Warnings: Yaoi, Het, Incest, but no real relationships, some OOC

Disclaimer: Yuu Yuu Hakusho is not mine.  Sadly.

Budding

By Ryo0oki

Hiei stared.  And stared.  And opened his third eye to stare some more.

"What??" he said in disbelief.

"Oh silly Hiei," Botan said, giggling.  "Well, Koenma has been all eville and mistreating and stuff to me, and since you have such a fine ass-" Hiei choked and turned puce "-I was wondering if you'd well, um, be my boyfriend?"

"What- NO!" Hiei said, attempting to flee.  But the ferry girl caught the end of his cloak and pulled the Koorime back into her.  Of course, Hiei was considerably shorter than Botan and his face landing right into her… chest area.

"Oh," Botan exclaimed, pleasantly surprised.  "You do like me!"

Hiei shuddered, wrenched himself from Botan's grasp, and flitted away into the trees. 

"Aww," the ferry girl frowned.

---

"Must… find… Kurama," Hiei muttered as he jumped from tree to tree.  "He knows all about pheromones and whatnot.  Find out why Botan is acting so crazed…" A branch suddenly wrapped around his ankle, throwing him off balance and into-

Kurama's arms.

"Oh good," Hiei said.  "Kurama, Botan is-" He stopped when he saw the look the fox demon was giving him.  "Kurama?"

The redhead grinned and nuzzled Hiei's cheek.  "You're so sexy like that…"

"NO!" Hiei yelped extricating himself from Kurama and backpedaling frantically.  "I am not sexy like that!"

"Oh," Kurama said, his lower lip quivering.  "But… I've loved you since forever… and I don't know what I would do if you left…" The youko collapsed to the ground, sobbing.  When he looked up again, Hiei was gone.

"Damn," he said, frowning.  "That was supposed to work."

---

Hiei was just running now.  _Has everyone gone insane??_ He wondered.  What to do, what to do- 

Bump.

Hiei looked up, saw Kuwabara and almost started crying.  Almost.  We all know Hiei doesn't cry. =^_~=

"Hey shrimp, watch where you're going!"

"Oh good," Hiei babbled.  "I thought you'd like me too, but you must immune to whatever spell was cast…"

"Who said I didn't like you?" Kuwabara leered.  "You _are_ awfully similar to Yukina…"

Hiei froze.

"Why don't you come back to my place?" Kuwabara asked.  "I'm sure I could make it worth your time…"

…

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!"

---

"What the hell are you doing, Kuwabara??" a voice cried.  Hiei looked to the left.  It was Yuusuke and he looked pretty annoyed.

Kuwabara stopped groping Hiei and the fire demon escaped up to an available tree.  "None of _your_ business," snarled Kuwabara.

"Of course it's my business," Yuusuke replied.  "I'm team leader and besides, Hiei likes _me_!!"

_I did not just hear that_, Hiei thought desperately.  Below him, Yuusuke and Kuwabara were engaged in a fistfight.  _Why the hell…_

"Hiei-san," a timid voice said from under him.  Hiei looked down.  

"Yukina-chan," he said warily.

"Why are you up in that tree?" the girl asked, her wide blue eyes peering at him curiously.  "Does it have to do with Mukuro-san?"

"Mu… kuro?" Hiei questioned, descending from the tree.  Yukina didn't seem to be affected.  Yukina nodded as they began walking away from the fighting duo.

"Aa," said the ice demon.  "She stopped by Genkai-san's temple and asked for you.  Something about rose scented baths and candle lit dinners?"

"…" went Hiei.

"Are you in a relationship with Mukuro-san?" Yukina questioned, looking at Hiei.

"NO!" Hiei said.  His sister jumped back a little. 

"That's good," Yukina beamed.  "Because," her voiced dropped a notch and took on a certain… seductive… quality "you know I'm the one who really loves you…"

And then, before Hiei could stop her, she gave him a very wet, very sloppy kiss.

---

"Hiei!" Kurama shouted.  "How could you!" 

Hiei jerked away from Yukina and tripped over his own feet in his haste.  _This cannot be happening_.

The youko glared at the ice demon who glared back with equal ferocity.  "Hiei's _mine_," Kurama growled.  Yukina said nothing, but the air around them suddenly dropped several degrees.

Hiei had been backing away cautiously when he suddenly backed into a hard object.  Glancing up, he saw Kuwabara and Yuusuke, each looking worse for the wear, but each also looking very disturbing to poor Hiei.

"Hiei is _mine_," they declared at the same time, then scowled at each other.

"Hiei is no one's!" Hiei said, regaining his balance and dignity by (once again) relegating to a tree.  Unfortunately, Kurama flicked his wrist and the branches wove themselves around poor Hiei.  They held him upside down, which made his cloak fall off and also made his shirt ride up to his neck.  The four others took a moment to leer at his torso, before preparing Rose Whips, Rei Guns, and Rei Kens.  The temperature dropped below zero.

"Hold it!"

Mukuro.  Hiei shuddered, and discreetly set the branches on fire.  Maybe he could escape before anyone noticed.

"_I_ am the S-class," Mukuro declared.  "Therefore, Hiei belongs to me!"

"I'm a fucking S-class too!" Yuusuke yelled.  "Want me to kick your ass?!"

And then Botan came in on her oar and the party _really_ started.

---

The branches finished burning.  Hiei thumped to the ground.  He really hoped no one noticed.  He doubted they did as the six were involved some complicated free for all.  He started to slink off…

"I don't even know why you're even bothering," Kurama (now in his youko form) hissed.  "Hiei so obviously likes guys."  Yuusuke and Kuwabara nodded their agreement, then growled and continued beating each other up.

"He's like totally _straight_!!!" Botan exclaimed, bashing the her oar over Kurama's head- or attempting to, anyways, as the youko dodged.  

Hiei's eyes narrowed and he turned around.

"Stop it, you morons!!!" he yelled.

Everyone stopped.

"Anything for you, Hiei-san," Yukina whispered, sparkles in her eyes.  Mukuro snorted.

"Listen," Hiei said.  "I don't know _what's_ come over you guys, but you're all _wrong_!  I don't like any of you, I am _not_ straight, I am _not_ gay, and I am _not_ your property!  I am asexual!  I bud!!"

He stopped.  Everyone had fainted.

---

"Yo," Koenma waved as Hiei trudged into his office.  "What's going on?"

"Get me… away from everyone…" Hiei muttered.  "They've all gone insane!"

"No prob," Koenma said.  "Just one thing…"

"Hm?" Hiei looked up, to see a teenage Koenma standing over him.

"Ever what wondered what it's like to kiss a god?" Koenma offered, a slightly maniacal look in his eyes.

…

…

~Owari~

---------

Written  because my current belief is that Hiei is completely asexual.  But I'm sure he doesn't bud.  =^_~=  Please review, it would make my day.

-Ryo0oki


End file.
